Journey of Attachment: Explode, Beg, Repeat—A Circle of Hell

When you explode on your partner, what often follows is guilt and shame. You regret what you did so you try to crawl out from the hole you just dug to pick up the pieces and get back to where you were before you exploded. Or you just stay in that hole swimming in a pool of shame. Productive, huh? Not really because you’re not making any progress. Your begging, bargaining and need for control lead you right back to square one, which you weren’t happy with to begin with. So why do you do it? Because you’re used to settling, yet afraid you won’t ever get what you want. This whole drama stems from not taking care of your own emotional needs. Maybe you say something snide to your partner like “Why don’t you just leave me?!” You hope it will lead to them confessing their undying love, but instead they shut down, lash out or leave. Whatever their reaction, you go into desperate fix-it mode, begging, apologizing and promising not to do that again. You know you overreacted and said something you can’t take back, so you panic and do whatever you can to redeem yourself. Lashing out at someone will never heal your past pain; it will actually work against you. Only YOU can deal with those pent-up feelings and take care of your emotional well-being. Before you buy a one-way ticket to crazytown, look at what underlying resentment you have built, and where you have let yourself down. Admit your needs aren’t being met: attention, love, consistency, etc. Then look for ways to give yourself what you need. No one is responsible for your emotional state but you.