Ep. #75: What's the Intention Behind Your Words?

This week I want to talk to you about how your intentions can shape the way your actions land, and I want to talk about this specifically in relation to "First/then" communication.This is something I coach my clients on from time to time, and it's something I do myself. Instead of saying, "You need to do your homework in order to have screen time," for example, I might say, "You really want to spend some time on your iPad. Let's take a look at your homework first, so we can make sure you don't run out of time, then you can play."OR"You really want to go to the park today! I have some errands to run, and I need you to come with me. We're going to do those first, and then we can go play at the park until 3." Instead of, "We can't go to the park today if you don't come to the store with me!"It's a shift away from taking away privileges in order to gain compliance. Actually, it's a shift away from compliance as the primary objective; my aim when I use this sort of language is to acknowledge what they want to do, to reassure them that I'm paying attention to them and that their needs matter, and to let them know in clear language what needs to be taken care of first and WHY. I want them to understand that their needs and desires are important, and if they have to wait on them, there's a legitimate reason.Since that's my intention (and how I encourage my clients to use this kind of language), I'm not going to be saying things like, "If you get all your homework done, you can have extra game time!" or "If you come to the store with me without whining, I'll get you a donut!"The intention is totally different.What got me thinking about this was a conversation I overheard this weekend between two people who work in schools. I believe they were both counselors. And they were talking about using first-then behavior contracts. The idea behind these contracts is to set up a reward system for students who have trouble engaging in expected school activities. The intention is to motivate students to engage in the schooling by being complain stand doing specific tasks in order to be rewarded with an activity of choice. It's very much a carrot-dangling situation.The intention is very different.***I help parents live in harmony with their highly sensitive children through one-on-one coaching. To get started, email me at [email protected] to schedule a free consultation.--- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/julia-mcgarey/support Get full access to The Blackbird Chronicles at juliamcgarey.substack.com/subscribe This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com