Ep. #92: With Instead of For

In this episode we're talking about one of the things that can happen when you start to invite your child into the decision-making process, when you start to build a more collaborative relationship with them.There is so much potential for connection when you make this leap to collaborating with your child. There's also huge potential for things to get way, way easier for your family.It's possible.But even when you can see that possibility, it's not always easy.We are so conditioned by society to believe that parenting means being a strong leader for our children, and that being a strong leader means being the decision-maker. Forging the path forward. And if you identify as the leader and the decision-maker in your family, working collaboratively with your child doesn't just require a change in what you're doing and saying, it requires a shift in identity and a willingness to let go of your own agenda.This is actually one of the most common obstacles I see for parents when it comes to successfully teaming up with their children. They try to invite their child into a conversation, they ask for their child's input on a decision, but they already have an answer in the back of their mind.It's very subtle.Let's say the child loves video games and always has a hard time when it's time to stop playing. The parent tries to engage the child in a conversation by saying, "Hey, I've noticed that you've been having a hard time when I ask you to stop playing video games lately. What's going on? Why do you think that is?"This all sounds good on the surface. But when the parent is coming to the conversation having already thought through it and decided what the problem is and what the solution should be, they are not approaching their child with genuine curiosity. They are approaching their child with an agenda, a desire to use the conversation as a funnel to direct them to the right decision. They may even be thinking, well, if I can present it in the right way, they will see what the answer is.They have already made the decision for their child. They are just having the conversation to let their child feel involved.But it's not genuine.They are not actually inviting their child to be a part of the conversation. They are not looking to make a decision with their child. They've already made a decision for their child. They are leading the conversation, trying to direct their child to the conclusion that they've already come to.And sometimes it works - at least in the sense that the child follows along and comes to the conclusion the parent is hoping for.But I want you to be onto yourself if you're doing this because even when it seems like it's working, you are missing out on something that is available to you in each of these conversations, and that's the connection that comes from being genuinely curious about your child. Wanting to know their plan. Wanting to understand their experience. Wanting to hear them out.In this episode, we're exploring what that looks like and what needs to change internally to set down your agenda and engage with your child from a position of genuine curiosity.--- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/julia-mcgarey/support Get full access to The Blackbird Chronicles at juliamcgarey.substack.com/subscribe This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit partneredpathparenting.substack.com