How Do I Overcome the Shame of My Past "Toxic Sex/Me-Centered" Behaviors?

In this episode Mark and Steve respond to a very heart-felt question by a PBSE listener—My wife and I recently listened to your episode on healthy sex vs toxic sex. I realize now that for our whole marriage, sex has been toxic and me-centered. I asked my wife if she identified with the part in the episode where you said some wives discover feeling abused in this process and she said yes. This crushed me. My question is: how do I process the shame and self-hate that comes with learning my wife...