David Singer on Consensual Non-Monogamy – Smart Sex, Smart Love with Dr. Joe Kort

This week’s guest on Smart Sex, Smart Love is David Singer - a Poly & Kink aware therapist, based in California. A Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, David is not just a Kink Aware Professional, he is also active in the lifestyle, giving him a greater empathy for the challenges that exist for people who refuse to live by other people's rules. David specializes in working with people practicing or exploring consensual non-monogamy, people involved in kink/power exchange relationships, as well as sex workers.  His clients have been individuals, couples, and polycules. Together, he and Joe Kort get into the nitty gritty of why David decided to come out as kinky, and what exactly consensual non-monogamy is. How do people deal with knowing their partner is with someone else? And, how do consensually non-monagomous people manage potential jealousy?

Dr. Joe Kort:                       Welcome to Smart Sex, Smart love. I'm Dr. Joe Kort, and today I'm delighted to be with David Singer. David Singer is a poly and kink aware therapist based in California, a licensed marriage and family therapist. David is not just a kink aware of professional. He's also active in the lifestyle, giving him a greater empathy for the challenges that exist for people who refuse to live by other people's rules. He specializes in working with people practicing or exploring consensual non-monogamy, people involved in kink and power exchange relationships, as well as sex workers. His clients have been individuals, couples and polycules. We'll talk about what that means. He'll tell us what that means.

David has a master's degree in clinical psychology with an emphasis on marriage and family therapy from Pepperdine University. He also has more than a decade of experience working with police and fire departments to help survivors of trauma. David is a sex positive therapist who also is a no sex positive therapist when working with people who identify as asexual. Oh, I see. He strives to create a safe, supportive environment in which people can find their best selves.

As well as his office based therapy, David also offers online sessions with clients who live anywhere in California. He's a member of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and ensures his clients will never feel condemned for their kinks. Welcome David.

David Singer:                      Thank you, Joe. It's great to be here.

Dr. Joe Kort:                       It's great to have you here. You know I've never met you. I don't know you. I just have known you online and seen that you were not just a kink aware therapist, which many therapists identify as, but your kinky as well.

David Singer:                      Yeah.

Dr. Joe Kort:                       And so, to me, I thought that has to be talked about. I wanted to have you on. And do you want to share a little bit about that? Why you chose to come out as kinky?

David Singer:                      So, for a long time, I kind of did this aspect of my practice sort of on the DL. And I had some colleagues that were involved in dungeon scenes out here that knew that I worked with kink people. And so, I would get referrals that way, but most of my work was still with police departments.

In the beginning, I would kind of give these mealy answers, which were true about, well, even when I started training, I kind of had kinky clients and I worked well with them. And it was a slow process to kind of just say, hey, yeah. You know what? I'm actually part of this lifestyle. And I was a little worried about the reaction to it, but honestly, at least to my face, it's been pretty positive.

Dr. Joe Kort:                       Oh, good. So, that's what I was going to ask you. Positive from even other therapists?

David Singer:                      Yeah. So,