A to Z Dear Jack (and Xochitl) 13 | "Feeling Ex-ed Out"

Dear Xochitl and Jack,I've been dating someone for a few months, and things were going well until they started talking about their ex constantly. It's making me uncomfortable, and I'm not sure how to address it without sounding jealous. How can I communicate my feelings and ask for some boundaries without causing a rift in our relationship?Sincerely,Feeling Ex-ed OutTranscript:00:00:00발표자 1Dear Jack.00:00:03JackWelcome to the A-Z English podcast. My name is Jack and I'm here with my co-host social. And today we are doing a dear Jack episode, but it's a dear social and Jack episode and this is where I read one of our listeners problems and then we give some advice.00:00:23JackTo the listener, so this one is dear, social and Jack. I've been dating someone for a few months and things were going well until they started talking about their ex constantly.00:00:37JackEx. Meaning like ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. It's making me uncomfortable and I'm not sure how to address it without sounding jealous. How can I communicate my feelings and ask for some boundaries?00:00:52JackWithout causing a problem in our relationship, sincerely feeling exed out.00:01:02XochitlOK, I think there's two reasons, potential reasons. I'm sure there's many more, but there's two potential reasons for this happening that spring to my mind. One is either the person.00:01:18XochitlWasn't well. There's three big ones. I personally wasn't ever fully over their ex and either they've started talking to their ex again and they're like cheating on you or thinking about cheating on you and getting back together.00:01:31XochitlWith their ex or.00:01:35XochitlThey could not have any contact with their ex but missed their last relationship and sometimes it's not even about how they were treated. So I think sometimes it's not that we miss.00:01:50XochitlOur ex in a in a personal situation, I've been this person who talked.00:01:53XochitlAbout sex a.00:01:54XochitlLot and it's not that I missed the guy. It's like I missed the way I was treated in that relationship. So I think sometimes it's worth bringing up. I don't think there's anything wrong with sounding jealous personally, because.00:02:10XochitlIt is kind of on the person bringing up their ex like they should.00:02:13XochitlBe made aware of the fact they're doing this and and if they turn it around and make it your problem, say ohh you sound so jealous or whatever then you know that's a red. That's another red flag about that person. So.00:02:29XochitlYeah. What do you think, Jack?00:02:31JackYeah, I think I think those three are correct. I mean, either they're either they're still not over their ex and they want to get back together or they already are back together and dating you at the same time or they're trying to hurt your feelings, like trying to make you, you know, it's like a it's a perfect weapon you can weaponize.00:02:51JackIs it?00:02:52JackIn a relationship right where you can talk about your ex and make the person you're with feel jealous and and.00:03:00JackYeah, for less than less than I am. I'm just trying to think like, so I think when someone starts doing this in a relationship, you have to say something or you could just break up with that person. I mean, it doesn't. You don't have to keep.00:03:16JackGetting them? They should know better. It's really, really bad behavior. I mean, it's really rude, you know.00:03:25XochitlThat's on me. I guess mine is a funny situation though. I said I'm just going to talk about mine cause it won't make.00:03:32JackYeah. Yeah. OK, sorry.00:03:32XochitlMe look a.00:03:32XochitlLittle bit better. So that's probably why.00:03:34JackI didn't. I didn't.00:03:35JackMean to. Yeah. Through that your yeah.00:03:35XochitlNo, no, Jack, it's fine. I I agree. I acknowledge that I.00:03:39XochitlJust in my.00:03:40XochitlParticular situation the person was treating me really poorly and.00:03:44XochitlI started missing my ex and it it just started becoming like a little habit. Like I'd be like, oh, I remember when I.00:03:50XochitlUsed to go do ball ball.00:03:52XochitlWith this person like it would just come.00:03:54XochitlUp and.00:03:55XochitlAs it turns out, the person was treating me really badly because they were cheating on me.00:04:00XochitlWith their ex.00:04:02XochitlAnd then I was thinking about.00:04:03XochitlMy I started.00:04:04XochitlThinking about my.00:04:05XochitlEx. As a consequence of being treated poorly so.00:04:11XochitlI think it just depends. I thought that was really funny.00:04:14JackWell, it's not. It's only bad. It's only bad behavior if you're if you're. If you're dating like.00:04:20JackA good person.00:04:21JackLike if it's the person that you're dating is bad, then it it doesn't really matter.00:04:22XochitlAnd Sheeran.00:04:25XochitlYeah. And it's like, Oh well.00:04:25JackSo in this case.00:04:27JackYeah, as long as you're. If you're dating someone.00:04:30JackGood. And then you can you continue?00:04:33JackTo talk about.00:04:33JackYour acts and to make them feel bad, you know, or whatever, or even just if you do it subconsciously and you're not, you're not like trying to hurt them, but it does hurt their feelings. It would be worth it, I think, for this one for exed out this person.00:04:51JackTo say something, because maybe it's just a bad habit.00:04:56JackThat the person.00:04:56JackIs doing, but if they don't stop then I would definitely stop dating that person. I would. I would just, yeah.00:05:06XochitlYeah, regardless of.00:05:09XochitlWhether like in.00:05:10XochitlIn my case, for example, I would say.00:05:13XochitlI wasn't doing maliciously. I wasn't even really aware that I.00:05:16XochitlWas doing it.00:05:18XochitlBut I was doing it because I felt really neglected in my relationship and I kept remembering my past relationship. I started doing that after a while, like after a few months I started remembering my past relationship because, well, it was funny because, well, it's a long story and I.00:05:33XochitlWon't get into it. I'll stop.00:05:34XochitlMyself now, because it just gets messier. But.00:05:38XochitlBut I was going to say that I think.00:05:44XochitlI don't think necessarily the person bringing up their exes doing it maliciously, but I think it can signal that they're not over their past relationship or you guys aren't a good fit. It can definitely be a red flag and I don't think people will necessarily do it to hurt your feelings, but it can also happen when someone spent a lot of time with their ex.00:06:06XochitlAnd they're just now moving on to a new relationship.00:06:10XochitlAnd it's like that person was a big yeah. They're not ready yet. Like that person was such a big part of their life that they have a hard time separating memories from all the time they spent together. Like, especially if it was a long term relationship.00:06:10JackRight. They're not ready yet. Maybe.00:06:24XochitlSo I think you.00:06:26XochitlCan think of it as a yellow flag.00:06:28XochitlLike uh. Ohh.00:06:29XochitlThat's kind of concerning and bring it up and ask.00:06:33XochitlAnd uh, see where where it takes you.00:06:37XochitlAnd UM.00:06:39XochitlIf the person doesn't respect your feelings and doesn't respect that, you don't want to.00:06:42XochitlHear about their ex.00:06:45XochitlI think that's a good sign to leave the relationship.00:06:48JackYeah. Yeah, or.00:06:49JackYou could start talking about your ex, how great your ex.00:06:51XochitlYeah, that's fun. That's always a good time.00:06:53JackBut I mean, but then, you know, we call that like tip for tat. You know, like, that's not a good sign in a relationship. Yeah. When you just do the same thing to someone else, I'm not gonna give that advice to you.00:06:58XochitlRight, being petty.00:07:06JackIt works, but it it'll be it'll end the relationship for sure. If you want it. If you actually wanna salvage this one then you have to have a a real adult conversation. Say like.00:07:07XochitlBut it would just be funny, yeah.00:07:19JackHey by the.00:07:19JackWay did you know?00:07:20JackThat you talk about your ex a lot and I don't necessarily want to hear about that.00:07:23XochitlRight.00:07:26JackBecause, you know, we're dating now. Yeah. Makes me uncomfortable. Just be honest. Cut to the chase. Yeah.00:07:29XochitlIt's been comfortable.00:07:35XochitlOK, well, uh, let us know what you guys think in an e-mail. UM at A-Z, [email protected], leave a comment down below on our website A-Z englishpodcast.com or join our WhatsApp group and we will see you guys next.00:07:49XochitlTime. 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