Can He Make Amends For Abuse?

Betrayal Trauma Recovery advocates for the safety of women and children. By interviewing three abusive men who recognize their abuse and want to change, BTR hopes to offer insight and information that will help women get to safety, not try to rescue their abusers. When women experience betrayal, emotional abuse, and sexual coercion at the hands of their partner, they experience significant betrayal trauma that can impact their lives in devastating ways. Regardless of whether they choose to stay in the relationship or not, women wonder from the depths of their trauma if it's even possible for an abusive man to truly change and spend his life living amends for the harm he has caused. Anne Blythe explores this heart wrenching question on the free BTR.ORG Podcast. Interviewing two abusive men, she is able to offer realistic truth to victims of betrayal and abuse. Listen to the free BTR.ORG Podcast and read the full transcript below for more. When Abusers Admit And Own Their Abusiveness, They Can Change When men choose to deny, minimize, rationalize, and justify their abusiveness, change is not possible. In fact, those very acts are abusive in and of themselves. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAX9-no3yrE&t=10s At BTR, we recommend that women do not try to convince their abuser of the severity of his behaviors. It is important that a trauma and abuse-trained professional work with them to help them admit and own their abusiveness. After this step, abusers can begin identifying their abusive thinking and working toward living amends. What Does "Living Amends" Mean? When abusers have fully identified and addressed the abusive thinking that they have used to justify their behavior toward their partners and children, they can begin the process of living amends. Living amends begins when an abuser not only stops all of his abusive behaviors, but chooses to do the hard work of unpacking and owning his abusive thinking. Living amends, as opposed to "making amends" means that there is not one moment of apology and then it's over: abusers must understand that the depth of trauma that they caused their loved ones requires that they put forth concerted and focused energy and behaviors to treat their families with respect and support them in their trauma-recovery. As Adam shares, part of his choice to live amends means that he puts her recovery before his own comfort (and stops being so incredibly selfish): I gave up my right to say, ‘Well, that’s just unfair,’ or, ‘Do you realize how this hurts me?’ I can’t do that anymore. If I want to make amends for the crap that I put my wife through,