Establishing Sexual Safety After Intimate Betrayal

For women especially, the sexual act is one of our most vulnerable times ever. We are allowing someone to be close to us; it doesn't get more vulnerable than that. So women must feel safe with their sexual partner in order to be sexual. MJ Denis, Trauma Specialist Many emotional abuse victims struggle with the concept of sexual intimacy. Sexual betrayal can ravage an intimate relationship. Additionally, porn users often coerce victims into sexual experiences. This is the opposite of what healthy sexuality entails. At BTR, we believe that a woman's safety should come first. MJ Denis, Trauma Specialist, discusses how pornography use and sexual betrayal can affect healthy sexuality. Learn how you can establish sexual safety for yourself in the wake of betrayal. Listen to the The BTR.ORG Podcast or read the full transcript below. Betrayal Trauma Victims Feel Sexually Unsafe Sexual betrayal wrecks havoc on women's lives. Processing the trauma of betrayal can be exquisitely painful. Betrayed women experience many emotions. Some of those include: * Devastation * Grief * Fear * Apathy * Rejection * Physical pain * Numbness * Loneliness * Terror * Depression * Anxiety * Sleeplessness Bottom line: betrayal victims do not feel safe. This extends to every facet of the relationship, but especially in the bedroom. In these instances, temporary abstinence may be the best choice. Abusers do not get to decide when a victim is "safe". Any attempt to do so is abusive. Victims, solely, get to determine when they feel safety. Sexual Contact Is Unrealistic and Unsafe For Traumatized Women  I often hear stories about how women they discovered the betrayal. Ladies will tell me when they found out about the betrayal, it took them to their knees. Some women throw up. Some can't breathe. Some can't get off the floor because their person is their person for safety and when they are betrayed and their brain says, "I'm not safe; I'm not okay in the world," ladies really loose their ability to function at times. Many partners report to me that they get sick, they lose weight, they can't go to work. This discovery registers as a crisis, as a danger, as a matter of life and death. MJ Denis, Trauma Specialist For traumatized women, sexual contact should be avoided until safety is fully established. Women may still feel traumatized by sex, even after safety has been established. What is Safety? In a relationship, safety means that a woman has separated herself from abusive behaviors. She is free to express her grief and pain over the betrayals and abusive behaviors without being dismissed or minimized. She is physically and emotionally thriving. A woman must set and maintain effective boundaries to find safety. What Are Boundaries? Boundaries are not statements, requests, or ultimatums. Rather, boundaries are courageous actions that women take to separate themselves from abusive behaviors. As women do so, the "fog of abuse" lifts and they are able to make informed decisions about their safety and health. Some boundaries around sexual intimacy may include: * Choosing to only engage in sexual contact if and when you feel safe. * Refusing to live with or be near someone who has coerced you into sex * Giving yourself permission to say no or end the sexual experience whenever you want to * Determining that you will listen to your body and heart before engaging sexual c...