100: How to Make Your Marriage Work This Time

Brian Mayer brings back his favorite guest – his wife Heather Mayer.  In today’s episode, they both talk through what are some of the foundational pieces of the relationship that helps to keep their bond strong.  Take some of what you hear today and work to implement these things into your own relationship.  Just because a past marriage didn’t work out, doesn’t meant that the next one won’t work out.  Listen to this episode with your significant other so you can get the most out of what you are hearing together.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Ever heard the quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.”  This one is often quoted to Albert Einstein but apparently this is not true and some research on the subject shows that it may have been attributed to Rita Mae Brown an author who wrote this in her 1983 book called Sudden Death.  But that is not what is most important.  It is the quote itself. We can’t keep doing in our current relationships what we did in our past relationships.  “2+2” is always going to equal “4.”  In order to get “5” we have to change one of the parts. If we don’t we will continue to get “4” as the answer. Let’s talk about a more positive thought or quote and that is “If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently” by Bill Watterson (cartoonist who wrote “Calvin and Hobbes”).  This might mean different things to different people, but it could mean that we have to get outside our current situation sometimes and look at the relationship as a whole and spend more time thinking and cultivating that than putting so much time in the “Argument du jour (of the day).”     Today Brian and Heather will talk about some ways that they work and interact together, that helps them take their eyes off of the tornado that might be presently surrounding them and onto the calm waters of the type of relationship they truly desire.   Forgiveness is very important.  This is letting your partner off the hook and to stop punishing them for something they have done.  It doesn’t mean you trust again or that you condone the behavior.  Sometimes you have to do this from afar if safety is an issue and abuse is present.  Spending Time Together.  In today’s busy and crazy world, with long work hours, different schedules, kids, and their activities this one can be difficult.  Be proactive when it comes to this one.  If you both belong to the gym and can coordinate working out together as an example then do that.  Or after the kids go to bed make it a point to spend a bit of quality time together.  Letting Things Go.  This one can be a bit like forgiveness but it more has to do with the individual mental choice to move on from a situation.  This can really help to promote better good will, when you can remember a situation that did not go well but you can’t remember the specifics of what you talked about.  Of course don’t sweep things under the rug but also don’t hold grudges.  Not Trying to Change The Other.  If you spend a lot of your time trying to change someone else you might be waiting a long time.  Sometimes it might never happen.  Spend most of your time reflecting on what you are doing and how might you work on changing.  Often this type of thinking will have a positive impact on changing your partner (sometimes not though).  Dealing With Past Baggage.  This one is difficult because we often do not realize that we are reacting to our current spouse because of something that was done in our past relationship or childhood.  The first step in doing anything about this is recognizing it is happening and then secondly working to disconnect from it.  If you can’t do this on your own then seeking help from a professional that can certainly speed that process up.  Spiritual Beliefs.  In Heather and Brian’s case, they have a strong Christian faith.  While not perfect they both will work to grow closer to God and in doing so usually grow closer to each other.  Think about a triangle with each of you at the different points in the base and God at top as you grow closer to God you will automatically grow close to each other.    Prioritize Each Other’s Love Language.  The 5 Love Languages according to the book by Gary Chapman are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Gifts.  For Brian, his greatest love language is words of affirmation while Heather’s is physical touch.  They both work hard to make sure they are loving the other in that love language.   Resources: None Mentioned Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.