111: Affairs and Betrayals: Part 1 – Stopping and Assessing

Summary Brian Mayer talks about affairs.  These are also known as betrayals of trust and infidelity.  We will concentrate on the infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other things such as financial betrayals as well.  Unfortunately affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are devoted 3 episodes to this issue.  The series will consist of talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing your current marriage, and constructing a new relationship.    We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Affairs are prevalent in society today.  The percentage varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40% of men will have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and about 20-25% of women will.  So think about that for a moment either you or partner may have engaged in this and if not then most likely of the next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an affair.  Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to heal from as some studies suggest it could take at least 18 months and in some couples I have seen it might take years unfortunately.  We are in part 1 of our series on affairs today.  We will talk about the aftermath and the turn that needs to take place in part 1 today (episode 111), the demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship in part 3 (episode 113). So now that affair has happened and been discovered now what?  Let’s talk about some best practices if you will to think about in stage 1.  Ending the relationship with the other person is the first step.  If this is not done then there will be no ability to move forward. If the relationship has ended, but the betrayer is still having thoughts and/or vocalizing thoughts of this other person and being with them, these also must be dealt with in some manner.  The betrayer must also come clean with everything and be very detailed.  This must include things like times and places with the other person.  It should also include things like being open to talking about times when the betrayer lied to the betrayed partner.  One exception to talking about all the details is that most experts agree that talking about the specific details of sexual encounters and also specifics about texting should not take place.  There are studies that show that this can increase the PTSD type effects in the betrayed partner.    The betrayer should also work to eliminate defensiveness when approached or asked questions about what happened and about even things going on in the present that the betrayed partner is asking about.  Defensiveness while understandable as a protective measure driven from fear but it actually hinders forward progress.  The betrayed partner should pay lots of attention to the emotion of anger.  Anger is a forward propelling emotion and can often lead to things like rage which are also counterproductive.  Of course anger is an emotion just like the fear that the betrayer has, but if it goes to far can also hinder healing.    This initial stage is unfortunately going to filled with lots of stepping in wrong ways.  There will be days of forward movement, days of no movement and some days of backward movement.  The key is to hang in there and slowly better days are usually around the corner.    Up next part 2 – Demolishing the Current Marriage and then part 3 Constructing the New Relationship   Resources: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.