112: Affairs and Betrayals: Part 2 – Demolition Time

Summary Brian Mayer talks about affairs.  These are also known as betrayals of trust and infidelity.  We will concentrate on the infidelity with other people, but betrayals can include other things such as financial betrayals as well.  Unfortunately, affairs are all too common in our world today, which is why we are devoted 3 episodes to this issue.  The series will consist of talking about assessing and turning from the damage, demolishing your current marriage, and constructing a new relationship.    We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Affairs are prevalent in society today.  The percentage varies but usually most show anywhere between 20-40% of men will have an affair of some sort during their lifetime and about 20-25% of women will.  So think about that for a moment either you or partner may have engaged in this and if not then most likely of the next 4 people you meet, 1 probably has had an affair. Serious betrayals of trust can take a long time to heal from as some studies suggest it could take at least 18 months and in some couples I have seen it might take years unfortunately.  We are in part 2 of our series on affairs today.  We talked about the aftermath and the turn that needs to take place in part 1 today (episode 111), the demolition of old ways of doing this in part 2 (episode 112), and the new construction that needs to take place in your relationship in part 3 (episode 113). Okay time to face the music.  Your current marriage is now dead.  There will be no bringing it back.  But before you throw in the towel you can build some different and new which we explore in the next episode.  In stage 2, there are two parts that we must undertake. First, we need to take an autopsy of the relationship that the two of you had but working to understand what was not working. Second we need to talk about ending the old ways.  This happens by making agreements about what you won’t do and by acting on them.         Here are some practical tips on taking that autopsy.  Analyze the time you spend together and alone.  Did the balance of alone time and together time work for each of you? Talk through the places you each spend time at.  Are there problems associated with these places.  This can be a difficult discussion if an affair happened with a coworker or maybe with someone at a gym that you have a membership.  What types of ways in which you interact at home don’t work.  For example if not spending much time in the evenings together was troublesome for either of you then that is certainly a problem area.  Do you confide in others about your marriage and if so is this a problem for one of you?  Do either one of you have issues with the way your communication goes.  Is it volatile and prone to blowing up or is the opposite true and you don’t talk at all?  Maybe both are present.  The actions they take that are different than normal.  Maybe your spouse usually leaves shoes in the entry way but today put them in the closet.      In part 2 of stage 2 – Demolotion, you must begin to make agreements to end old ways of doing things?  A lot of this part involves possibly walking away from the old habits which some may not be easy Do you need to leave a job where the coworker work? Do you need to spend less time away from home?  Do you need to stop talking to others about issues in your marriage? These are many more questions are the basis for this area of getting back on track.  In this stage, you may not be completely ready to take action but you are now able to gently communicate with each other about the issues that are on the table and that need to be addressed in order to move forward.  Expect these “negotiations” not to go perfectly either.  You may still have triggers or other important things come up that will work to make you resist wanting to make a change.  The key here is to keep your eye on your relationship.  Going into these discussions with the focus being on the permanence of your relationship until you die versus the temporary nature that work and activities can have will help.  Up next part 3 - Constructing the New Relationship   Resources: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!