147: “I’m Done” - Thinking About Another Divorce?

Brian Mayer discusses how we all have times we have either uttered or thought, “I am done.”  You have been divorced before and now you are thinking about it again.  In today’s thought provoking episode, we will talk about how common this is and some things to think about to really know whether or not this next marriage will work or not.  Also, don’t forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources.  We hope you are inspired by today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies So you have been through a divorce and are remarried.  Are things getting so bad in your current relationship that maybe you can’t believe you are back at this place of contemplating another divorce?  If you have ever said or thought the words, “I am done” in a second or third marriage or beyond then you are certainly not alone.  You may or may not know that second marriages end in divorce about 60% of the time, 3rd marriages about 70%, and 4th are typically above 80%.  So that being said, as you can see not only do lots of people say or think that they are done, that many actually follow through and get divorced again. The stress of being in another marriage is only compounded because there are children involved that are not yours.  This causes all kind of issues, especially when they say they don’t like and won’t listen.  Do you feel that your spouse does not have your back when it comes to these kid issues?  This dynamic can generate even more stress on a couple and a family.  One of you wants things to change and the other is more wishing for the status quo.  Based on all these pieces not working you definitely have every right to wonder if this next marriage is over.    Do you just have thoughts about these things or have you discussed this with your partner or with others?  Once the issues are spoken then it can create another dynamic, because maybe until this time your partner has not realized there is an issue.  Or maybe conversely they do agree and so it further advances what you both have been thinking.    You might be on the fence right now over whether or not this is truly something you should move forward with or something you should just try to deal with and figure a way to make peace with and stay in the marriage.  This is obviously a major decision in your life.  A decision to end or continue a relationship, and a decision to change your kids and stepkids lives once again.  Let’s talk about the things you should consider to know whether or not you are really ready to end the marriage again.  First, on a scale of 1-10 I want to you think about where you land on whether or not you should end this relationship.  A “10” means you are in this fully and completely and a “1” means you are making concrete plans even as you listen to this podcast.  A “5” means you are completely unsure and are weighing out each side of the coin.  By understanding, your number above it will help you gauge really where you are at in determining your future.  Are the words, “I am done” thought or said during the heat of an argument, just after while you are still emotionally flooded, or are they coming at times of calm well after an issue has caused a problem?  As you can imagine if they come at times of calm, then you may realize this is more real that it is possibly time to move on.    If you have voiced your concerns that you may need to end the marriage, do you feel that you have given enough time to see changes made?  Do you listen to what your spouse is saying about you regarding what changes they would like?  Sometimes in relationships, there is one person that generally brings up problems most often and the other just deflects.  If you are the one that brings up problems, then you may need to work to be the one to listen more to your partner.  What are the reasons you stay versus the reasons you think about leaving?  Do any of the reasons for staying involve the love you have for your spouse?  Do any of the reasons you stay involve how much they mean to you as a partner?  If you reasons for staying involve mostly the kids or what others might think then that may be cause for concern.  Do you have fears about being alone or starting over again?  This is a very common fear that many people have, but again is this a valid reason or enough of a reason to stay in this marriage.  What would you tell your best friend if they were in exactly the same position as you?  When I ask people this question, the answer I often hear, is “I would tell them to do what makes them happy.”  And they go on to say, that you should make your own decision but to weigh out things on all sides.  If you are spiritual and more specifically a Christian, then you know there is wording in the Bible that speaks to divorce.  When it comes to this you must think about the level of importance that you place on something like this.  Only you can know your level of distress and you must weigh this out.  Speaking to a counselor on your own, can give you some clarity.  Be patient with this process, as many people want to go to a therapist so they can be told what to do.  A good therapist will not tell you what to do but help you discover the best course of action for you.  Obviously a lot to consider and this is not an easy decision.  If you have just entered into a place of thinking you are done, then be patient as you work through this.  If you have been here a long time, then obviously you may have some more urgency about what needs to happen.   Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.