16: My 3 Mistakes After Divorce

Summary Brian Mayer gets real as he discusses 3 mistakes he made during the time he was separated and divorced.  He shares these and what he has learned since.  He hopes that you will not experience these same issues.  Brian offers ways to reduce the time it takes to recover but he only learned this in hindsight and wishes he had known how to deal with the issues as they occurred.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies In this episode, I am going to be very transparent about life immediately following my separation and eventual divorce and the mistakes I made. It’s my hope that if you are in this period of your life that you will learn from this and not make the same mistakes.     Mistake #1: Jumping Back in to Relationships to Soon.  I can’t remember exactly but I believe I started dating with 2-3 months after the separation.  I had not even begun to go through the grieving process – which is a process of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and then finally Acceptance.  After 2-3 months, I am pretty sure I was in the Denial phase still.  Experts say it usually takes at least 1 year to go through the full grieving process.  Mistake #2: Not Working to Vent Anger.  I remember the first time my wife (separated at the time) came to the house and did not have her wedding ring on.  I remember losing it emotionally and I do not remember exactly what I said I just remembered being angry.  I often think we subconsciously show our anger in the hope that the other person will change.  So in my situation maybe there was a subconscious hope that she would react to my anger, by saying “You know what you are right, I should not have taken it off…Let me put the ring back on.” I remember her then leaving, and I told myself I needed to do something to help with this pent up feeling. I joined a gym a few days later and this helped me immensely.  It was not a cure all but it did help. Mistake #3: Not following through with Counseling.  My Uncle recommended a good counselor.  I ended up going but only went for 4 sessions.  At the time, I had never been to counseling and did not know what to expect.  I remembered thinking after those 4 sessions, okay now I am good.  I got this.  It was obvious looking back now that I did not because it took a total of 3-4 years for me to feel good about myself and life again.  Now that I am professional counselor and sit on the other side, I now realize how long it can take the brain to change.  It is indeed capable but it can take months or even years to undo the damage that was done to it. I heard an analogy once that stuck.  Your problems are like a screw being drilled in the wall.  The counseling or recovery piece can’t treat it like a nail simply to be pulled out.  It has to be back out the way it was put in.     Final Thoughts Give the relationship that has ended some time for you to fully grieve and process. Vent anger in a constructive manner through helpful coping mechanisms like joining a gym. Find other helpful things like music, reading, spending time with friends, hiking in nature, journaling, or whatever you find helps you feel better.     Consider counseling and be willing to stick with it for the long haul. Find a therapist that considers your needs and goals and treat you as an individual with specific needs.    Resources Being Single in a Couples World by Xavier Amador and Judith Kiersky – They talk about 5 common obstacles that get in our way of enjoying being single. They will help you work through a plan to get through these issues as well.  Resources Mentioned Being Single in a Couples World by Xavier Amador and Judith Kiersky Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes  or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!