38: Parenting Through the Guilt of Divorce

Brian Mayer discusses a very common parenting issue after divorce.  The way in which we parent our own biological children can change after a divorce.  Sometimes there is a thought that if we are tough on our children are parents sometimes should be that it will cause even more pain for the child.  Not so says Brian as children still need firm boundaries so that they might grow up to be productive adults.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Moving past a divorce is one of hardest things to do in life.  For some people it can actually take years.  This period of mourning and grieving the loss can often seep into a new relationship and the new blended family that formed.  One common symptom of this grieving occurs in the way your own biological children are parented.  Divorced parents often change the firmness with which they parent for fear that they are harming the child even more so.  In other words, there is a thought that “haven’t I done enough to my child through this divorce.”  As a result of this change, you begin to give in more allowing the boundaries they the child operates in to become larger and larger.  You may not realize this but you have now begun to parent from a place of guilt rather than from a healthy place.  The change is a result of helping you to feel better and so you begin to project that on to your child.  The issue with this is that it is only a temporary solution. The longer a child is parented in a way in which they get whatever they want will only lead to trouble later in their teen years and into early adulthood when they have to interact with other adults.  What can you to do to get yourself out of this trap? Connect with people in similar situations.  Find support groups especially at your church.  If your church does not have one then think about building something if only informally. Parent your child by looking at the present and into the future rather than focusing on the past.  Being mindful of what is happening in the present can help you give appropriate consequences to bad behavior.  Additionally looking at how your child will be in the future can help you make the tough decisions now.  Focusing on the past especially if you feel lots of guilt and shame (which is very common by the way and so don’t beat yourself up!) can make it hard to parent in a healthy way.  Lean on your current spouse for their thoughts.  This is a tough one because you may have differing parenting styles already but once again approaching your spouse from a position of gathering as much information as you can to make the best decisions possible is what you will want to do.       Resources None mentioned. Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. It would be extremely helpful, it you would consider leaving a rating and review on Apple devices at iTunes  or on Android devices at Google Play as it will help the podcast reach others who need help in rebuilding life and relationships. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.