48: What We Need to Be a Happy Couple

Summary Brian Mayer discusses what we need in relationships.  The talk today is based on a book called The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn.  The author has done extensive work to survey couples in all sorts of relationship stages to distill what is helpful and what is not.  We hope you enjoy today’s episode.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies The book called The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn focuses on her work in surveying hundreds of couples regarding what makes them happy.  She did lots of work in conjunction with other researchers as well to get at her results What she discovered is that happy and healthy couples do very small things that add up over time.  Additionally, sometimes they have a difficult time putting into words what they are doing unlike unhealthy couples who can pinpoint issues much more easily.  With every question she asked, she would also ask if the couple was either Highly Happy, Mostly Happy, or a Struggling Couple.  The results are very interesting and we will take a look at a few today.  Let’s first talk about what she discovered where the 5 actions that were most meaningful for a man to see from his partner.  They are:  1.  His wife notices his effort and thanks him for it. 2. She says, “You did a great at (fill in the blank) 3. She mentions in front of other people something he did well 4.  She shows that she physically desires him and that he pleases her sexually.  5.  She makes it known to him that he makes her happy.  Now let’s talk about what fills a woman’s love tank the most. They are:  1.  He takes her hand often especially when out and about. 2. Leaves her a positive message by voicemail, email, or text 3.  Puts his arm around her or lays his hand on her knee in public 4.  Tells her she is beautiful 5.  Pulls himself out of a bad mood.  Instead of blowing up or withdrawing, he recognizes how he feels and works himself out. 3. She mentions in front of other people something he did well 4.  She shows that she physically desires him and that he pleases her sexually.  5.  She makes it known to him that he makes her happy.  She also discovered that if you believe your partner truly cares about you and has your best interests, then when difficult arises it is quickly dealt with and moved on from.  Believing the best about your partner or giving them the benefit of the doubt also led to couples reporting being happier and healthier.  In other words when your partner is late from work, your first thought should hopefully be that she must be working hard or when he forgets to cut the grass, thinking that he must have his mind on other things can go a long way toward what perspective we have.  Resolving conflict quickly was also reported by happier couples.  Those that let conflict linger or “go to bed angry” report that they are struggling.  Sometimes though you have to go bed, and if you can agree to resolve the issue the next day that can help as well. Couples who don’t keep score of the negative aspects or negative incidents also report to be happier and healthier.  Rather focusing on the positive that has occurred.  In conjuction with not keeping score, this is sort of my own thought but being able to voice needs in a non-critical way is also important.  This means if we need the housework to be split more equitably then we can voice that need without tearing our partner down.  Couples who can do this report being more happy and healthy.  Stopping bad trains of thought also help.  This means that when something is done and said that we don’t nurse and rehearse.  Nursing means to continue to cycle back around the hurt and rehearse means thinking hard about what we will say in response.  Happy couples also report that they do not put unreasonable expectations on their spouse.  Sometimes mindreading can enter into this one.  So we might think, doesn’t she realize how hard I work and because of that she needs to do more to thank me.  But what if you partner doesn’t know how you feel?  Tell them.  A signal to tell each other, that “we are okay” is also reported by happy couples.  This could be an actual hand signal, a look, or humor for example.  The book has lots more information beyond this and we have only begun to scratch the surface of what she found.  I would highly recommend you pick up a copy.  I will put a link to the book in the show notes.  Resources The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is nothing something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.