90: Signs You Are An Insecure Parent

Brian Mayer talks about the the topic of insecurity especially with regard to being a parent of both biological children and stepchildren.  The issue of insecurity can cause lots of problems for you, your spouse, your kids and the ex-spouses.  We will talk about ways to recognize this and hopefully make some changes to be more secure.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies   Insecurity in my opinion is one of the biggest causes of instability and the rockiness that often invades a blended family.  As if it were not tough enough to bring kids and families together after a divorce and new marriage, insecurity can often cause several steps backward and a step forward, the several steps backward again.  Often we think about being insecure as a function of our environment or what others are doing.  But believe it or not that is not the actual definition.  The definition of insecurity is “uncertainly or anxiety about oneself” or lack of confidence.”  If we think about being insecure as coming from within that can certainly be  tough pill to swallow sometimes but it is typically more true than you know.  So let’s start with where these insecurities come from and again if you solely believe they are coming from your current spouse, the kids, or the ex-spouse, I hate to break it to you but this is probably not true.  If we look at 100 families in the exact same position as you are with the way in which the family dynamic works, the attitudes of the kids, and the attitudes of the ex-spouses, we would find different layers of insecurities present.  Why is this?  It is typically multi-faceted buts look at some possible reasons: Abandonment can cause childhood insecurities where you may have felt abandoned, either by a parent truly not being a present or one that neglected you.  Perfectionism during childhood where you parents would push this and that if you weren’t perfect then maybe you were a failure.  Again making you feel like you were not good enough.  Past relationships in which you have been abused physically or emotionally can cause insecurities again potentially making you feel like you don’t measure up.  When you feel slighted by a decision or something that is done to make you feel unstable, you will know you are insecure if your inner critic asks the question, “Why are they doing to this me” rather than “Why are they doing this?”  If you are thinking about yourself and what you think is being done to you it might be a sign that you are insecure.  If you are able to think about why someone else is doing something and what it is about them that might be a problem, it could signal that you are more secure about yourself.  Here are some other ways to combat insecurity: Talk to your spouse about the issues and get to know how everyone operates in the family and this would include the ex-spouse.  Have an open mind about these things and in this way in can reduce you feeling “slighted.”  Are you doing enough for yourself or in other words do you have your own life outside the life you lead as a parent and stepparent.  This can help give you a balance and can help increase your self confidence in difficult situations.  Focus on others more than yourself.  Get curious about why others are doing what they are doing.  Come up with several reasons as to why you think a child might be more loving toward a step parent than you.  It might be something you are perceiving that is not true.  Maybe they are just trying to make you jealous.  Again many of these potential reasons really have nothing to do with you often times but are more a function of what is going on inside the child. Realize the perfectionism you have within yourself may not be completely attainable by others.  You potentially have set the bar so high that others will have difficulty reaching it.  So reducing the bar others have to cross can sometimes be helpful so that you do not let yourself down.  What would you say to a friend in similar situation who is feeling insecure?  Most likely you would not tell them to continue to beat themselves up because of what others are doing or not doing.  You would tell them to be gentle on themselves because after all there are lots of moving parts and lots of people that you cannot fully control.  And taking the blame for everything not working right is not productive.   Sometimes seeking out professional counseling for you as an individual can be extremely helpful.  I know for me as a professional counselor, I can typically spot immediately those who have been through counseling before.  They are very insightful and have a great awareness of themselves.  Feeling insecure however is completely human especially when you find yourself in a blended family situation and are trying to parent children who are not biologically yours.  However just remember that most all members of this new family probably have insecurities as well.  Resources: Projecting Past Hurts onto Your Partner – Session 56.   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.