95: Did Your Parents Married Life Affect Your Married Life?

Brian Mayer talks about how your past and what you saw in your parents married life may have affected your married life.  There is no doubt that divorce happens for many reasons but sometimes it happens in part because of what we saw when we were growing up.  We will talk about this important issue that may affect your remarriage and blended family experiences.  We hope you enjoy today’s message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Divorce happens for lots of reasons for sure.  Sometimes it is because we aren’t getting along, sometimes it happens because of a major betrayal like infidelity, sometimes it happens because you drifted emotionally apart due to work issues that cause different schedules, long hours, or terrible travel schedules.  But sometimes there might be other factors at play.  Today we talk about who much your parents married life and what you saw growing up may have had an impact in the ending of your previous marriage(s).  The research is actually a mixed bag on whether this an important factor.  In one study it was shown there is something to this issue.  I am putting a link below in the Resources section but it showed in a longitudinal study that females had a 69% increased chance of divorce if her parents divorced while her chances increased a whopping 189% if both her and her spouses parents were divorced.  In my own life this is a mixed bag.  I am divorced, and my parents were divorced, but they were divorced when I was 2 years old.  I don’t really ever remember them being together so I don’t recall what it was like to hear them have difficulties while they were married.  However, they did have difficulties in getting along throughout my childhood.  When it comes to my wife, who also experienced a divorce before marrying me, grew up with parents who stayed married and in fact a few months ago celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.  My wife reports that in general that had a happy and healthy marriage while she was growing up.  So anecdotally in my experience, I would have to say that I would be unsure if it is truly a causation. Probably the biggest helpful factor in how a parent’s marriage would affect a child’s marriage would be a happy and healthy one.  If parent’s stay married while not happy or if they divorce, would seem to suggest not as good for children than if parents are happy and healthy. Lets talk about though what some of the issues your parents went through that could cause problems: Poor conflict management.  Did your parents fight in front of you?  Was there escalated conflict.  Did they raise their voices? Emotional of Physical Violence.  Did you witness horrible name calling, throwing or destroying property? Did you end up spending the night with relatives because things got so bad between your parents or a parent in a subsequent marriage?  Lack of Time Your Mother and Father Spent Together prior to divorce.  Did one or both parents work or travel too much? Lack of Family Activities that Included Both Mom and Dad.  Do you remember a lack of both parents attending your sports or other activities? Lack of affection shown such as hugging by your parents.    Ultimately, the divorce(s) that you went through are complicated in there reasons for why they happened, but the relationship your parents had if they stayed married or if they got divorced could have certainly played a part in your divorce. Something to think about for sure as you look back at your life and something to think in regard to your children.  The bottomline with your kids is that while their life may have been difficult up to this point, your have some responsibility and ability to reduce the chance that your children ever experience divorce.  Resources: If My Parents Are Divorced, Is My Marriage Doomed to Fail? Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.