#703: Sheila Heen — How to Master the Difficult Art of Receiving (and Giving) Feedback

Brought to you by Nordic Naturals Ultimate Omega fish oil, Helix Sleep premium mattresses, and ShipStation shipping software. Sheila Heen has spent the last three decades working to understand how people can better navigate conflict, with a particular specialty in difficult conversations.  She is a founder of Triad Consulting Group, a professor at Harvard Law School, and a co-author of Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (even when it’s off base, unfair, poorly delivered, and, frankly, you’re not in the mood), with Douglas Stone, and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, with Douglas Stone and Bruce Patton (with a newly updated third edition that was released in August). Sheila and her colleagues at Triad work with leaders and organizations to build their capacity to have the conversations that matter most. Her clients have included Pixar, American Express, the NBA, the Singapore Supreme Court, the Obama White House, and theologians struggling with the nature of truth and God. She is schooled in negotiation daily by her three children. You can find my first conversation with Sheila at tim.blog/SheilaHeen. Please enjoy! This episode is brought to you by Nordic Naturals, the #1-selling fish-oil brand in the US! More than 80% of Americans don’t get enough omega-3 fats from their diet. That is a problem because the body can’t produce omega-3s, an important nutrient for cell structure and function. Nordic Naturals solves that problem with their doctor-recommended Ultimate Omega fish-oil formula for heart health, brain function, immune support, and more. Ultimate Omega is made exclusively from 100% wild-caught sardines and anchovies. It’s incredibly pure and fresh with no fishy aftertaste. All Nordic Naturals’ fish-oil products are offered in the triglyceride molecular form—the form naturally found in fish, and the form your body most easily absorbs. Go to Nordic.com and discover why Nordic Naturals is the #1-selling omega-3 brand in the U.S. Use promo code TIM for 20% off your order of Ultimate Omega. * This episode is also brought to you by ShipStation. Do you sell stuff online? Then you know what a pain the shipping process is. ShipStation was created to make your life easier. Whether you’re selling on eBay, Amazon, Shopify, or over 100 other popular selling channels, ShipStation lets you access all of your orders from one simple dashboard, and it works with all of the major shipping carriers, locally and globally, including FedEx, UPS, and USPS.  Join the 130,000+ companies that have grown their ecommerce businesses with ShipStation. Tim Ferriss Show listeners get to try ShipStation free for 60 days! Just visit ShipStation.com/Tim! * This episode is also brought to you by Helix Sleep! Helix was selected as the best overall mattress of 2022 by GQ magazine, Wired, and Apartment Therapy. With Helix, there’s a specific mattress to meet each and every body’s unique comfort needs. Just take their quiz—only two minutes to complete—that matches your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress for you. They have a 10-year warranty, and you get to try it out for a hundred nights, risk-free. They’ll even pick it up from you if you don’t love it. And now, Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders plus two free pillows at HelixSleep.com/Tim. * [07:01] Conversations are the relationship. [08:12] How should we talk about feedback? [11:16] De-escalating the ask. [13:30] Addressing victim-blaming feedback for the new edition of Difficult Conversations. [28:48] How I’ve dealt with reader (and proofreader) feedback. [41:18] Making use of the three types of feedback. [49:05] Received difficult feedback? Phone a friend. [54:36] Discovering a good/bad match early in the dating game. [00:59:30] How I’ve traditionally handled conflict and stress. [1:07:50] The conundrum of feedback’s source. [1:09:03] Three triggered reactions to feedback. [1:12:09] The you plus me combination. [1:20:16] What does resolution look like? [1:22:52] The Gottman Institute. [1:29:35] Coping with a relationship’s unresolvable frictions. [1:33:41] The courtship of Sheila’s sister. [1:37:11] A thirst for vindictiveness and other deal breakers. [1:43:31] Learning from the comfort of our strengths. [1:45:43] Perspective from three positions. [1:47:09] How to extend positive reinforcement. [1:51:26] Giving feedback without starting a fight. [1:55:12] Asking “one thing” questions as a leader. [1:57:43] Are you aware of your need to receive feedback? [2:02:13] Parting thoughts. * For show notes and past guests on The Tim Ferriss Show, please visit tim.blog/podcast. For deals from sponsors of The Tim Ferriss Show, please visit tim.blog/podcast-sponsors Sign up for Tim’s email newsletter (5-Bullet Friday) at tim.blog/friday. For transcripts of episodes, go to tim.blog/transcripts. Discover Tim’s books: tim.blog/books. 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