158. It's easy to forget how far you've come

As we close out 2023, I'm leaving you with this message. It's easy to forget how far you've come. TW: Suicide It’s so easy to forget how far you’ve come. If there is one thing you can count on, it is your body and mind’s ability to come back to what is familiar - without you even noticing it. I have always felt behind. And the reality is, while I spend my entire life trying to find the feeling of “caught up” or “right where I need to be” - I am also grateful, in some weird way, that I’ve been wired like this. But it means that I have to live with the fact that even after walking away from a career, creating a business where I have total freedom, only having to do things I deeply care about - even after making more money than I’ve ever made - even after receiving messages from people who tell me I inspire them daily - my mind and body will continue to tell me I AM BEHIND. You mind and body also have a story they love to come back to: Not enough Always behind Not perfect A fraud Overwhelmed I can’t manage People are judging I heard Dax Shepperd say on his podcast Armchair Expert recently that his greatest fear is that someone will catch him believing in himself. And fuck. That’s it, is it not? The body and mind - trained, for a lifetime, to always hold back just a little so nobody catches on that you actually think you’re capable of something that they haven’t done. That autopilot response to come back to not just what is normal for you, but also what is normal for everyone around you - because god for bid you look like you actually believe in yourself to change your situation. My point is, we all spend our lives trying to feel different. Creating plans and writing lists of things to do that will make us feel that way. And usually, even when you cross the things off the list, the story is still there. Still not enough. Still behind. Still not perfect, and thus, trash. Still a fraud. You get where I’m goind with this. My point is the story continues even when the facts change. Because your body and mind will come back to what is familiar. So, like I said, It’s so easy to forget how far you’ve come.  In my lowest moments this fact makes me wonder what the point is in all of this. If I’m doing what matters to me and yet, I still feel behind and not enough and on edge and embarrassed and scared and depressed - why not do something easier? Why not let someone else take the reins and just follow their lead? Why do I insist on making this so hard on myself? So complicated?  But in my moments of clarity here is what I know to be true: The flip side of this homeostasis thing is that, just like my mind and body tell the same story no matter how good things are - they would also tell this story no matter how bad things are, for the most part I could get through just about anything, probably I started watching the Handmaid’s Tale, finally, after years of opting out because I couldn’t emotionally handle it. I found myself wondering - how do these people not just end it? There are moments in my life when I wonder what the point is in all of the struggle. When I’m in an airplane, imagining it going down, feeling for a moment the peace that could come with being done. Or crossing the street when a car approaches a little too fast, thinking - make my day, I’m done with this bullshit.  There is no fucking way I would keep going in Gilead. No. Way. But then I remember how good my mind and body are at this homeostasis thing. And how, let’s be honest, I kind of thrive on trying to change a shitty situation. So maybe I’d be just like June? And while I know I could survive it, and probably would still want to survive even in a living hell, I also know that my nervous system would have to do some seriously fucked up shit to get me there. And it would, without me even realizing it. Even though my mind and body always come back to the familiar thoughts and feelings of not enoughness, there are small, tiny things that do change. Moments of presence I couldn’t find before An ability to even notice all of this and simply be with what is Even split seconds of joy or gratitude And I can feel those, in small doses, because my mind and body are slowly starting to relax. To realize, we’re ok here. It’s not going to be taken away. And yes, we can change things. So, that’s the point, I think. I’m bringing this up now because, it’s the end of the year. The time of the year when we confront where we came from and where we’re going.  And, like I said, it’s easy to forget how far you’ve come. Even when your circumstances change, your thoughts and feelings usually stay the same, and tell you you haven’t done shit. But by continuing to change your circumstances, you will slowly realize, it is safe to feel different. That’s the growth, I think - and it is excruciatingly slow. It is so fucking annoying.  But remember, as you realize it’s safe to feel different, it does allow you to move differently than you usually would. Anyways, there is a desire to make this homeostasis thing wrong. To label it a flaw and blame yourself for “not being able to get out of your own way” But it’s not a flaw. It just is. You don’t need to change everything about yourself You don’t need to change every thought or feeling You just need to notice what is at play here.  If you’re telling yourself you haven’t done enough, just know how easy it is to forget and to not notice the different circumstances you’ve created for yourself, because your mind and body always come back to the familiar story, regardless. If someone tries to make you wrong for that, that’s probably their way of chancing a different feeling. One of my clients has been telling me for months that I need to talk publicly about this concept of using your work to regulate your nervous system. I guess that’s what I’m doing here. I’m a PRO at this. Don’t think that just because I talk about this stuff, I’m somehow an expert at not being human. No. I talk about this stuff because it is my daily struggle. I hate the feeling of out of control and behind. And yet, I always have it. And my business is always there as a thing I can use to try to make myself feel in control. It never works.  My therapist keeps having to remind me. Nervous system regulation happens internally, not externally (I mean, with the exception of being in a safe environment). So, anyway, I guess that’s it. I just want you to know you’ve come way further than you’re giving yourself credit for. And it actually isn’t a flaw that you are having trouble realizing that. You don’t need to fix everything about yourself to make progress and slowly allow your nervous system to relax and open up to the beauty you are creating. I’ll leave you with the wise words of Cogey on IG “sometimes you don’t need to heal. Sometimes you just need to tell them to fuck off”