Spotting A Narcissist's Fake Apologies

We all make mistakes, and we all occasionally make mistakes that hurt other people. When we own those mistakes and offer genuine apologies, we can work to soothe hurt feelings, heal relationships, and rebuild trust.Narcissists rarely, if ever, offer authentic apologies. Building trust and respecting others’ feelings does not matter to a narcissist, even with their own kids. Narcissists are focused on preserving their own image, avoiding accountability, and avoiding discomfort, even when they cause pain to others.Typically, if a narcissist offers a form of apology, it is generally phrased in a way to mislead, confuse, defer blame, invalidate, and minimize. Narcissistic apologies are not genuine and often leave the recipient feeling even worse.My daughter and I recently had a great conversation about real and fake apologies. Apologies that begin with “I’m sorry if” and “I’m sorry but” are usually inauthentic. She added that “I’m sorry that you” apologies were also probably fake because they were more like blaming.Other narcissist favorites are “I’m sorry that I may have done” and “I’m sorry for whatever you think.” They also tend to use statements like “I probably shouldn’t have” and “maybe I should have.” Narcissists will turn apologies into deals with “I’ll apologize if you...” and then all you get is a fake apology.Narcissistic parents will talk to their kids like “You seem very upset. I’m sorry that you feel hurt”...which are fake apologies and are part of a narcissist’s getting off on the pain they caused. With kids, narcissists get to cause the hurt, pretend to support the hurt, and then defer blame to the kid for feeling hurt, and never apologize. Classic narcissist parenting.We can help our kids deal with a narcissistic parent by teaching them to clearly see the differences between real and fake apologies. It’s a good lesson for everyone to learn, regardless, but teaching our kids to be aware of real and fake apologies helps them increase their critical awareness and helps them see the games. If they can see the games, they can then learn to disengage and depersonalize, which increases their chances of healthy freedom from the narcissist.

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Carl Knickerbocker, JD is an Award-Winning divorced lawyer with 3 children in a thriving blended family. He's an emotional abuse survivor, parallel parenting advocate, and all-around sceptic of everything dealing with trendy-trendy coparenting and the family court system. He is the founder of Unapologetic Parenting, IG influencer, multiple year SuperLawyer, and passionate speaker on all topics dealing with divorce and parenting after divorce. Getting divorced does not mean you failed your kids. Coparenting should never be done at the expense of your sanity. Episodes cover strategy, boundaries, recovery, healing, and effective kid-raising tips. Join us for healing and learning!