FOUR YEARS IN: DATING AND ABSTAINING

Anxious attachment styles. Yes, we’re starting there. Why? Because I’ve made an observation; when people start dating during their abstinence journey they often begin to develop an anxious attachment style. I wrote this short essay a few years ago titled “text me back, I’m trying to fall in love with you” to express my feelings around the “dating game.”Now, when I started dating—before I was even having sex and when I was having sex—I never thought much of texting; I’ve always preferred a phone call because I’ll put my phone on DND save for a select few so I’m focused on my day. And I don’t ever want to be perceived as someone who isn’t valuing your time if we’re dating. So, when I did text someone I did it moreso as a fleeting thought, not so much expecting a response immediately and then I realized that’s not how it works in the “dating game” Alright so what’s the dating game? Let’s just call it modern dating, yeah? If you’re under the age of 35 let’s call it what you’ve probably experienced when communicating with someone new, someone you’re dating or just interested in dating. In my essay, text me back I’m trying to fall in love with you, I explored how I saw my friends interacting with guys. I wrote the essay when I was about 19 so my thoughts have changed significantly — but my overall feelings haven’t, just the way I’d go about communicating those feelings have changed aged. What I was noticing, at 19 (I’m 25 now) is that if you were engaged in dating and casual sex (or not having casual sex but just dating) in this dating game we’ve all played and are playing to some degree if you’ve texted someone and they don’t answer for a few hours you should start feeling anxious. That’s what’s getting communicated. If you tell a friend you texting him, her, then etc and they haven’t responded suddenly it becomes a concerning thing—your mind starts making up scenarios because your friends have made up scenarios because the dating game rules say if you text, they should text back immediately because if they don’t they just don’t care.And as a DND girly, I am often responding to texts a day or two later. So, I began to worry if I was communicating the wrong message to men I was dating and then I learned what anxious attachment styles are and how we can be influenced to experience anxious attachment when it doesn’t need to be your experience. An person with an anxious attachment style can be defined as: Someone that may worry that their partner is pulling away from them and will often take small things personally. They may also seek constant reassurance to ease their sense of uncertainty about their bond. They can also become overly attentive to their partner.As I continue this abstinence journey, confidence is something I’ve been reevaluating because not only has abstaining allowed me to have a better understanding of what it truly means for a person to be confident but it has shifted my perspective on confidence and how we can gain more of it and how we allow media, other people, etc to lower it. Be careful what you watch for fun, and be careful what you listen to for fun because it is influencing your subconscious mind. Anxious attachment styles creep up, even more when you start abstaining because for most sex has been used as a tool of communication and lustful conversations somehow become the bulk of your discussions with people you’re dating. So, take that away from people and if they don’t get a reply to a “hey, how are you today?” text without a few hours they’re freaking out because what they’d usually turn to to get a reaction from someone they’re not engaging in anymore. And this is where confidence enters the chat. This is where you have the opportunity to build yourself up and gain even more confidence or fall prey to the spirit of doubt, Support the Show.