From Rupture to Repair: Relationships, Emotional Regulation, and Our Social Brains, with Dr. Tina Bryson

Our brains hold our relational history—all the joys, all the ruptures, all the repairs. And even in the most difficult childhood or parenting circumstances, the science of relationships and connection can give us hope for whole-brain and whole-life transformation. Therapist, bestselling author, and mom—Dr. Tina Payne Bryson is seeking a connection revolution that brings neurobiology and practical relational wisdom to bear on both how we were parented, how we parent, and how we relate throughout our lifespan. In this conversation with Tina Bryson, we discuss: - The science of childhood relational development and growth into strong, adaptive adults - The brain as our most social organ—capable of holding a lifetime of relational and emotional history - How to emotionally co-regulate with another person to achieve a calm, peaceful, and vibrant relationship - Neuroplasticity and our ability to change with intention toward our deepest held values - And we explore how the science of connection, attachment, and interpersonal neurobiology sheds light on how we were parented, and impacts how we might parent ourselves and how we relate to everyone. Books by Dr. Tina Bryson The Way of Play (Tina’s latest book!) (https://www.tinabryson.com/the-way-of-play) The Whole-Brain Child (https://www.tinabryson.com/thewholebrainchild) No-Drama Discipline (https://www.tinabryson.com/nodramadiscipline) The Yes Brain (https://www.tinabryson.com/theyesbrain) The Power of Showing Up (https://www.tinabryson.com/thepowerofshowingup) Follow Tina Bryson TinaBryson.com Instagram X The Center for Connection Show Notes - Dr. Tina Bryson: an expert in neurobiology, parenting, child development, and attachment theory. - Highlighting Tina’s unique perspective as both a clinician and science-engaged researcher. - This conversation focuses on parenting, but it’s relevant for everyone—whether you’re a leader, mentor, or someone reflecting on your own upbringing - The importance of connection, attunement, and emotional regulation in today’s world. - "I feel so aware that this is not an easy time to be a child or a teenager in the world." - Kids today face unique challenges that are very different from previous generations: - More stimulation, information, and pressure than ever before. - Earlier onset of puberty and adolescence, with young adults taking longer to launch. - "We often talk about the challenges of youth, which are absolutely real, but we don’t want to forget that in many ways, the world is actually safer." - Positive shifts in youth well-being: fewer teen pregnancies; safer environments (cars, car seats, public spaces)l greater awareness of mental health, substance use, and emotional well-being - What Do You Say?: How to Talk with Kids to Build Motivation, Stress Tolerance, and a Happy Home (https://www.amazon.com/What-You-Say-Motivation-Tolerance/dp/1984880365), by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson - The brain is a social organ—we are profoundly shaped by the people around us. - "A huge contributor to some of the struggles youth are having is because their grownups are not thriving." - Interpersonal neurobiology teaches that children’s well-being is tied to their caregivers’ ability to regulate their own emotions. - Takeaway: Parents who are anxious, reactive, or dysregulated create environments where their children struggle to regulate their emotions. - "The greatest gift we can give each other is a calm presence." - “History is not destiny.” - Emotional offloading or outsourcing - Safe haven or safe harbor: cozy, safe, calm - “My mom will never listen.” - Understanding teenagers - “Please don’t chase your child and force connection.” - Non-eye contact feels less intrusive and they’ll open up more - Understanding Attachment & The Four S’s: Safe, Seen, Soothed, Secure - Secure attachment is a key predictor of well-being in children and adults. - Attachment is built through repeated experiences of the Four S’s: - Safe: "Do I feel physically and emotionally secure with this person?" - Seen: "Does this person understand and acknowledge my emotions and experiences?" - Soothed: "When I’m in distress, does this person help me feel better?" - Secure: "Do I trust that this person will be there for me consistently?" - Set an intention: "When my child walks through the door, I want them to feel at rest, safe, and accepted." - Practical Parenting Tip: If your child pushes you away, don’t force connection. Instead, say: "I can see you need some space right now. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk." - Managing Teen Independence: When teens ask for space, don’t take it personally. Instead, try: "I’m here if you want to talk later." - "Would you be open to a short walk or helping me in the kitchen?" - The basics of attachment theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth - Mama Bears - Not just brain, but whole nervous system - Secure Relating: Holding Your Own in an Insecure World (https://www.amazon.com/Secure-Relating-Holding-Insecure-World/dp/0063334550), by Sue Marriot and Ann Kelley - "Without awareness, we don’t have choice."—Dan Siegel - History is not destiny. We can rewire our brains and create new, healthier patterns in relationships. - The availability of your presence creates a secure environment - Regulation & Emotional Resilience - Definition of Regulation: The ability to monitor and modify emotional states rather than reacting impulsively. - It’s NOT about being emotionless—it’s about responding intentionally - ”When we mess up, the research shows that as long as we make the repair, the rupture itself was actually beneficial.” - Tina Bryson’s Fragility Formula: Adversity minus support or plus too much support = fragility. Adversity plus the right amount of support = resilience. - Real-Life Example: The Yahtzee Incident - Tina shares a personal story of losing her temper while playing Yahtzee with her kids. - She repaired the rupture by apologizing, taking responsibility, and asking for a do-over. - Pink Flags vs. Red Flags - Pink Flags: Subtle signs that you’re getting dysregulated (irritability, sarcasm, tension) - Red Flags: Full-blown loss of control (yelling, throwing things, shutting down) - The Three R’s of Parenting: Regulation, Responding, Repairing - The Window of Tolerance - Gentle Parenting vs  Responsive, Respectful, Regulated, Intentional parenting - Regulation: Managing your emotions first - Responding: Engaging with your child in a safe, attuned way - Repairing: Acknowledging when you mess up and making amends - Reduce pressure—kids should not feel they must "perform" to be loved. - The Power of Breathwork: The Physiological Sigh - Quick, evidence-based technique to reduce stress and reset the nervous system. - Take a double inhale through the nose, followed by a longer exhale. - "It’s the quickest thing we know to calm the nervous system." - Non-eye-contact conversations (e.g., driving in the car) help teens feel less pressured. - The science of thriving vs. surviving: "Survive and thrive are not separate categories. What we do in survival moments can lead to thriving." - The River of Well-Being: A Person is Like a Boat on a River - The FACES Model for Well-Being (essentially a definition of thriving) - Flexible: Open to change and new ideas - Adaptive: Able to adjust based on new circumstances - Coherent: Emotional and cognitive stability - Energized: Engaged and present in life - Stable: Grounded and consistent - Family Dinner Time: Keeping it light, being more present - Practical Exercise to Regulate Emotions: The Deep Physiological Sigh - Turn down the reactivity of your nervous system - “The key is: Make your exhale longer than your inhale.” - “At his worst is when he needs you the most.” - Pre-frontal cortex development: Not mature until late-20s. - “The prefrontal cortex is changeable throughout the lifespan.” - The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and Resilience in Your Child (https://www.amazon.com/Yes-Brain-Cultivate-Curiosity-Resilience/dp/039959468X), Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson - The YES Brain Approach: Four pillars that cultivate resilience in children BRIE (like the cheese) - Balance (emotional regulation) - Resilience (bouncing back from challenges) - Insight (self-awareness and growth mindset) - Empathy (understanding others’ experiences) - "Thriving isn’t about avoiding hardships—it’s about learning how to navigate them." - Recognize your influence: "Your child's nervous system mirrors yours. Take care of yourself first." - Discipline and morality - Harsh, punitive discipline doesn’t change behavior or develop a moral compass. It teaches them to hide the behavior. - Healthy Guilt vs Toxic Shame - “The way we don’t get kicked out of our group is our conscience.” - Guilt “is one of your superpowers.” - “No one can lose each other’s love.” - Give yourself permission to wait and not respond in the moment. - “My number one job is to keep you safe.” - No lecturing. “What do you think I would say here?” “What’s your plan to keep yourself safe?” - Tina Bryson on Faith and Spirituality - Healthy spirituality leads to feeling safe, seen, soothed, and secure. - The power of narrative and journaling: Making sense of our lives and integrating our brains - Parenting from the Inside Out (https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Inside-Out-Self-Understanding-Anniversary/dp/039916510X), Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell - The Power of Showing Up (https://www.amazon.com/Power-Showing-Up-Parental-Presence/dp/1524797731), Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson - Practical Exercise: Acknowledging, Noticing, and Accepting - “Negative emotions does not mean something’s wrong.” - “Emotions are important information, but they don’t make the final decision.” - Are your emotions making the decision? - Curiosity in order to bring softness and nurture. - Practice daily regulation: Set a personal cue (e.g., getting in the car) to check in with your emotions. - Embrace repair: "Making mistakes in parenting is inevitable—what matters is how you repair them." - Parenting is about progress, not perfection. "Every small shift you make has a ripple effect on your child’s well-being." - Pam King’s Key Takeaways - We’re inherently wired for connection, and our brains store all of our relational history. - Rupture is inevitable, but our capacity for repair can strengthen our bonds with each other when we make the effort to reconnect. - Thriving involves and integrates all our most intense emotions. We get *closer* to thriving when we can learn to regulate and integrate our inner emotional experience. - Attuning and paying attention to our nervous system is a core emotional and relational skill—and goes a long way in healthy, intimate relationships. - We were all children once. We were all parented, for better or for worse. Learning to integrate every aspect of our relational history can keep us on the path to thriving. About Tina Bryson Dr. Tina Bryson is an expert in applying interpersonal neurobiology and neuropsychology to maybe the most central part of human life: our closest, most intimate relationships. A bestselling co-author (with Dan Siegal) of THE WHOLE-BRAIN CHILD and NO-DRAMA DISCIPLINE, she has written several other books on parenting and the brain. Her latest book on the science of play came out in January 2025. Tina is a psychotherapist and the Founder and Executive Director of The Center for Connection. She speaks and advocates widely, has appeared across media outlets like TIME Magazine, “Good Morning America,” Huffington Post,Redbook, The New York Times, and The Wall Street Journal. Her doctoral research explored attachment science, childrearing theory, and the emerging field of interpersonal neurobiology. But Tina emphasizes that before she’s a parenting educator, or a researcher, she’s a mom. Tina is an absolutely brilliant and motivating and encouraging communicator, breaking down the science of connection in a way that’s clear, realistic, humorous, and immediately helpful. For more resources from Tina, including her books, and science-packed relationship tips, visit https://www.thecenterforconnection.org/ and tinabryson.com.